2010: a year to re-evaluate priorities

2010 was a year of change & fear. Fear immobilised me for quite some time, made me helpless and desperate.

So called friends I realised deserted me at my hour of need, I stuck with a slacker friend in school & slacked together with her because all other friends made their own plans and went ahead, ala survival of the fittest. Maybe it was my own fault for being too forgettable, maybe my own fault for not being independent enough, i thought.

So i tried to hold on to independence, by turning against the world and everything new, I didn't speak to my new neighbours & kept almost exclusively to myself, i ignored the security guards day in day out despite going to school every weekday & sitting in a mercedes-benz which my dad drove out in weekends. I was scared, there was so much pain and fear and I wasn't mature enough, frankly, to deal with it. I retreated into myself, and certainly developed some symptoms of anti-social disorder, =3.

I felt the world spinning and myself remaining stagnant, I moved blindly in vain to keep up with it, repeating the motions of living, walking insanely long distances and going window-shopping but people were reluctant to make friends with Joyce, the anti-social Joyce, bcos they thought I was a freak/weirdo..., which was the image I projected in school so I don't blame them but it hurts the same.

Joyce lost faith in the human race.

I held on further to that slacker-friend by prostituting myself, I borrowed lit texts for her when she didn't bring them to class, I pretended to be all-nice to her even when her behaviour was near bullying/making use of, albeit subtly.

She depleted me of my niceness and made me bleed. So I skipped a whole week of school post-recess week, to give myself a break, i thought, but actually just subconsciously needed to assert my identity because she was stealing it. I hated her but smiled at her, because she was the only one who stuck by me.

Of course, the only one I hurt was myself, I wanted to get back at the world but it bounced back at me instead. Because that is not the way the world works. I might just fail everything this semester because of my own idiocy.

Fast-forward to 2010. Joyce VERSION 2.0 is a smarter and improved after the R&D =P, Joyce VERSION 2.0 will work for her own happiness rather than leave it in the hands of random strangers or even friends..

Cheers to 2011.