Update=D

Hi, time for an update! Its year 4 semester 1; I've dropped out(or rather, opted out) of Final year Project, and now this is week 4 where I have to admit to myself (finally have the fucking balls to admit to myself) that I haven't been coping well in school for the past 2 semesters, or being dysfunctional should be a better way of phrasing it. I lost 8 kg last sem (56-->48, i believe!) just from skipping lunch on Tuesdays for Photog & Lit, and from being a little bit depressed cum pessimistic about life. Nevertheless, I would want to believe I now have the resources to deal with things in a much better way than before. I won't say its been a good change, but its been a necessary one. I have suddenly become privvy to a lot of secrets about people around me, especially my dad, and learnt new things about my family members though sometimes I feel like our relationship can be alot better. I no longer believe that school is the most important thing, no longer want to use it to run away from the real problems in my life. Of course, its still important to be educated, but I am more wary of turning out a hypocritical educated bastard than ever, haha. Especially since I sometimes feel like I'm losing my sanity over small things, which doesn't make sense. Enjoyment of life should come over achievement of goals, at any rate, but sometimes I long so desperately for a system that works. I need rules, Yes, strange but true. But at the same time I don't want to be suffocated. What I've learnt about myself in this time is that I have a great tendency to self-pity, especially after allowing others to step all over me rather willingly. Why am I like this? Tell me. I don't like to be bullied, but at the same time my behaviour tells others outright to bully me???? Except with my own family members of course, I've become super vulgar haha. Oh dear. I've few friends outside of my school circle, and even those, what I have with them are somewhat superficial relationships, I can't help but feel. except very limited few. Incl you, my dear reader! *winks;)* that is, I think they would hardly consider me their best friend. I think I do have a problem there, Being nice, is my defence as much my disguise. I don't want others to see the real me. So that means I'm superficial to a certain extent??? I just have a lot of hurt that's all. And everyone makes mistakes...But I guess I'm not that nice after all, since behind my niceness I always inherently expect you to be nice back. I know, the position of victim right!!!!!!!!! Seriously, I'm ready to shed that shield already. Yes, there have been incidents in the past where I have really been the victim. But I guess, that in a way maybe I have contributed to it by portraying a 'soft' image. As a result there have been people I've hurt, and people who have hurt me. Ok, we're even, I say. But no. Life doesn't work that way lah. **to be continued**