Friday, 6 May 2011

a rather defensive post.

hi frens, sorry for my lack of updates. just wanted to reflect on the elections, and my own personal feelings/situation.
Drawing of electoral boundaries:
After moving away, I thought that I would be able to really move on, u know, away to a different place, away from the place where i tried to commit suicide once (wanted to jump over the ledge on my 9th floor)-> maybe that's why my parents bought a low-level condo estate for me, come to think of it;), was anorexic for awhile, etc etc.

but i (we) end up still in Nee Soon. yup, u can run but u can never hide, as they say. quite literally, i find myself here everyday running away from my own fears, running away from myself. I was very miserably existing for a while, because I couldn't appreciate what I had in front of me, only focusing on what I didn't have..what i didn't appreciate.

Before i know it, 3 years have passed in NTU. i have not said sorry to some people I've hurt in the past, and they still remember. they do, because I can tell.

But i can't stop living, I mean I cant stop LIVING, just cos I have hurt you and you don't like me, I have my obligations to fulfill, whether it is just waking up everyday to make my parents happy, which i have come to learn to do, even if i don't accomplish anything at all in a day, at least i make my parents happy as a basic sort of gratitude.

Cos i hardly talk to anyone anymore,so anti-social, not because i want to, ok, maybe i am quite proud as a person but im the sort you need to break the ice with. Which is the reason why i have not been able to make new friends for quite awhile, people are afraid of me, they think i'm different, weird, or they just want to take advantage of me, in some way. they show it in their behaviour. (note socio: behaviour is expressed, attitude is inherent.)


i am not openly friendly at the first meeting simply because it is not my habit/"mode of operation" to do so, i have not been brought up that way, I have always been used to following and not leading, and this has been bad for me.

I have been brought up to be OBEDIENT, to be a "good" girl, to do the "right" thing, whatever these mean usually refers to the immediate authority, such as my parents, school teachers, etc etc. Which is why I've been perceived as cold, which i must admit i am a little cold sometimes.

i am materialistic/love money-> i am not inherently like this i believe, but have been conditioned to. i mean, who doesn't love a present?

but i don't deserve to be treated like a freak/like dirt just because of this. I even hate to be treated differently. I am wary of it, and I know when people do.
But i am also gentle in the sense that i will not openly retaliate, even though i might harbour bad thoughts/definitely be wary of that person. This is called defence mechanism, what.


Say sorry, say thank you. yes, I need to learn good manners all over again.
I should learn to say sorry even if I didn't mean to hurt(you). I have to learn to be motivated by internal mechanisms more tham external rewards. (Gosh, i make myself sound like a dog/animal, using these analyses.)

Like anyone else, I am stupid, I am stupid bcos I dont know everything, and who can know everything right? unless, you are some higher up supreme authority??

Humility, as they say, is one of those qualities you see in people who are accomplished. they also understand how "the more they know, the more they still have to learn/don't know!!!"


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